


heart that beats so slow

by playedwright



Series: spierfeld week 2018 [3]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Filler, Emails, Fluff, M/M, POV Bram Greenfeld, Spierfeld Week, bram is a gay disaster basically but its ok we love him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-04-21 19:05:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14291433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playedwright/pseuds/playedwright
Summary: FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.comTO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.comSUBJECT: hey!DATE: Aug 23 at 7:15amDear…I have no idea what I’m doing. I can’t send this email.*A series of unsent messages, left unattended in Blue's draft folder.





	heart that beats so slow

**Author's Note:**

> **written for spierfeld week, with the day three prompt: canon filler.**
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> i sat down with a completely different plan for this story but ended up with this instead and honestly?? i'm not mad.
> 
> someone hug bram for me tho.
> 
> (this corresponds directly with the emails sent in the book; probably too closely)

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: hey!

DATE: Aug 23 at 7:15am

 

Dear…

I have no idea what I’m doing. I can’t send this email.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: I’ve never done this before

DATE: Aug 23 at 3:38pm

 

Dear anonymous person on the internet,

I don’t really know where to begin. I’m not sure if this is a real email address, or if you’re a real person, or if I’m making a fool of myself. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING. WHY IS THIS SO HARD.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: I’ve never done this before

DATE: Aug 25 at 7:09am

 

Jacques,

YOU REPLIED. YOU REPLIED YOU REPLIED YOU REPLIED.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: I’ve never done this before

DATE: Aug 25 at 8:02pm

 

Jacques,

Please understand that I’m freaking out right now. Part of me is so thrilled at the prospect of corresponding with you, but another part of me wishes I could delete my post and my email and shrivel up and disappear. What if you figure out who I am? I can’t handle this I can’t send this email oh my god.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: I’ve never done this before

DATE: Aug 26 at 9:22pm

 

Jacques,

Please don’t let this turn out to be a joke. I don’t think I could handle it if you turned out to be another jerk who took it upon himself to tease me over something. I wish I didn’t think you were a jerk. I DON’T think you’re a jerk! I’m just worried. WHY AM I SO PARANOID IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS HARD TO TALK TO BOYS.

WHY DID I ALREADY REPLY TO YOUR EMAIL I AM FREAKING OUT.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Catch these mittens

DATE: Sep 3 at 4:02pm

 

You’re ridiculously cute.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: I’m glad you like awkward people

DATE: Sep 9 at 5:40pm

 

Am I doing this right. Is this flirting. Why do I never listen when Garrett speaks to me.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: you asked for this

DATE: Sep 13 at 3:03pm

 

This might be the cutest story that anyone has ever told me, ever. Maybe it’s just because you’re the one telling it. I could listen to you talk about geometry for two hours straight and would probably end up thinking it was the greatest two hours of my life, and only a LITTLE bit of it would come from me actually loving geometry. Maybe I just really want to hear you talk. 

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Shifted

DATE: Sep 20 at 6:02am

 

Do you ever get in those moods where you can’t explain what you’re feeling, but everything that happens to you seems just a little bit… off? Right now I feel like everyone took all the furniture in my house and moved them just two inches to the right—everything still appears to be the same, but I keep bumping into chairs and tables. That probably sounds crazy. I didn’t always sound this philosophical. I can’t believe that talking to you turned me into a poet that overuses similes and metaphors. Am I crazy to think I wouldn’t have it any other way?

Mr. Wise will probably be pleased when I start using more metaphors in my essays. He always tells me I’m too literal. Well, Mr. Wise, I literally don’t even care that I name-dropped you in this email I’m writing to my secret pen-pal and potential huge crush. Because I’m not going to send this to him.

Not yet.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: Lunch Fiasco

DATE: Sep 29 at 9:21pm

 

I’m trying really hard not to get my hopes up here. But I know exactly what you’re referring to at lunch today. It happened just a few tables away from me, and my friends and I all laughed about it. I can’t help but wonder if you are one of the people at my table. It’s probably too crazy to hope. There’s no way the boy I’ve been crushing over since freshman year and the boy I’ve been secretly emailing are one in the same. 

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: Lunch Fiasco

DATE: Oct 9 at 12:03pm

 

I can’t believe I’m trying to email you during school. I used to be so studious. But now, you’re more important. What on earth have you done to me?

(I’m not complaining.)

  
  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: when you knew

DATE: Oct 16 at 3:15pm

 

I don’t know how to get through this email without admitting that a huge part of my Sexual Awakening was brought on by a boy with blond hair and grey eyes. What if you know him? What if you ARE him? Again, I’m stupid for hoping. But hell, if you aren’t, maybe you’ll understand what I’m talking about. He’s probably the cutest boy I’ve ever seen.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: when you knew

DATE: Oct 16 at 3:31pm

 

SIMON SPIER WAS PART OF MY GAY AWAKENING. DO YOU KNOW HIM? AM I BEING TOO OBVIOUS.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: when you knew

DATE: Oct 16 at 3:49pm

 

Why would you ask me this question, Jacques. This is so embarrassing.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: when you knew

DATE: Oct 19 at 7:42pm

 

Are you Simon Are you Simon Are you Simon Are you Simon Are you Simon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: hollow weiners

DATE: Oct 29 at 5:50pm

 

I thought I was passed being paranoid about you, but here I am internally panicking because you asked me what I’m dressing up as for Halloween and I don’t know how to tell you. I’m not even sure I am dressing up yet; my best friend is trying to convince me to match with him. But if I tell you and you see me at school, you’ll know who I am. And I’m still not ready for that. God, I wish I was ready for that. I want to know who you are so badly it hurts sometimes. I’m just not there yet.   
I can’t send this email. You’re going to hate me if you read it.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: DISAPPOINTEDLY YOURS

DATE: Oct 31 at 7:37pm

 

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. WHY AM I FREAKING OUT.

Yours (not disappointedly, because if you were truly mine and I was truly yours, then I don’t think I’ve ever feel disappointment again in my life), Blue

 

P.S. This email is getting sent straight into the drafts folder!

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: Reese’s are better than sex

DATE: Nov 2 at 12:45pm

 

This might be the flirtiest email I’ve ever sent. In fact, this might be the most I’ve ever tried to flirt in my life. It’s going to be terrible. I’m going to cringe a lot. But you aren’t even going to get this warning, which means that you’ll have to deal with the cringe all on your own. I don’t even feel bad. You brought this upon yourself when you mentioned sex.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: Reese’s are better than sex

DATE: Nov 2 at 12:45pm

 

I cannot believe I sent you an email that contained the line “Maybe you should stop having heterosexual sex.” WHAT POSSESSED ME.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: REGARDING MY LAST EMAIL

DATE: Nov 14 at 11:21pm

 

PLEASE DON’T READ THE LAST EMAIL I SENT YOU. I AM FIGURATIVELY PETRIFIED AT THE IDEA OF YOU KNOWING I LIKE TO IMAGINE YOU FANTASIZING ABOUT SEX. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME PLEASE DON’T READ IT PLEASE DON’T READ IT PLEASE

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Hopeful… 

DATE: Nov 17 at 12:02am

 

I don’t know how to start this.

 

If you’re who I think (hope) you are… Happy Birthday, Jacques. I hope you have an excellent day.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: Why why why?

DATE: Nov 19 at 7:08am

 

Where are the sign ups for this amazing reality show where we spend our time doing things instead of talking? Can I have all of them?

Why are you so cute??

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re:I should be… 

DATE: Dec 3 at 4:52pm

 

You find me distracting. What a coincidence, because I’m constantly distracted by you. Did you know that I spend way too much time anxiously wondering when I’ll have a break and a chance to email you again? Or how often I reread the words you send me? It’s strange, because when we first started talking it never felt like this. But now, it’s as though emailing you has become my only purpose. Which doesn’t sound creepy or overbearing at all. I can’t help it. You occupy all of my thoughts.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re:I should be… 

DATE: Dec 9 at 5:01am

 

Oh my god. I think I’m in love with you.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: out and about

DATE: Dec 13 at 5:28pm

 

I’m about to go downstairs to tell my mom, and I’m so jittery I feel like I can’t breathe. Emailing you helps calm my nerves. Even though there’s no chance I’m going to send this to you. I’m terrified, Jacques. Why is it so difficult to say two little words? It’s not hard to say, “I’m here” or “Hi, Mom” or “Yeah, sure” or even “Thanks for the book about Casanova Dad, it’s an awesome present. No, I’m not lying.”

This is more important than all of those things. Maybe that’s why it’s so difficult.

My hands are shaking. I’m nauseated again, which you really shouldn’t find a surprise. Can I even surprise you anymore? I suppose I could. There’s one huge surprise I’ve been holding you back from, after all.

She’s calling me for dinner. Here’s to hoping it goes well.

Love, Bram

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Seriously.

DATE: Dec 19 at 10:10pm

 

I’m going to be an older brother

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: Oh baby

DATE: Dec 20 at 1:50pm

 

PLEASE DISREGARD THE LAST EMAIL. I DIDN’T MEAN TO SIGN IT WITH LOVE. I MEAN, I DID. BUT I’M NOT SURE I’M READY FOR YOU TO KNOW THAT. EVEN IF IT’S TRUE. GOD, IT’S SO TRUE.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: POOP

DATE: Dec 21 at 9:20am

 

You signed your email with love, too. I think this is the happiest I’ve ever felt.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: Daydreams… and the like

DATE: Dec 26 at 10:32pm

 

Foolish boy. Don’t you know you’re present in practically all of my thoughts? Must I spell it out for you? I’m infatuated by you. Enamored by you. You’re… everything.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Thinking out loud 

DATE: Jan 1 at 12:08am 

 

Dear Jacques,

It feels weird to address this email like that. Especially with what I’m about to type out. Maybe I should start again. Bear with me.

 

Dear Simon,   
I can’t believe I’m writing this. But by now, I’m certain. It has to be you. Everything inside of me hopes it’s you. I’m right, aren’t I?

I’ve suspected for a while. I’ve hoped for even longer. I don’t know what I’ll do when I find out for certain. Can you believe that right now, I almost feel ready? Maybe it’s the new year. Maybe it’s the glass of champagne I had half an hour ago. Maybe you just make me want to be brave.

I think that soon I’ll be ready to admit that I know who you are. I’m not sure how much longer I can take hiding in the shadows. Especially now, knowing you’re out to the universe. That’s an extremely selfish thought; whatever happened to you must have been really hard, and I know I shouldn’t be thinking about it in a way that benefits myself. I hope you’re okay. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how you’re doing. More than anything, I wish I could hug you and tell you that everything is going to be okay.

One of my drafts had my  _ name  _ on it. Can you even imagine? I hope someday soon I’ll be able to send something similar.

Who knows. Maybe I’ll send something similar to this one, too.

 

Love always,

Blue

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: Really?

DATE: Jan 6 at 9:30pm

 

You don’t know who I am. I’m trying not to be disappointed.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: Really? 

DATE: Jan 6 at 9:32pm

 

Seriously! You think I’m Cal Price! WHITE IS NOT THE DEFAULT.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: Really?

DATE: Jan 6 at 9:35pm

 

You’re going to be disappointed when you find out who I am. God, I just know it.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: Really?

DATE: Jan 10 at 1:55pm

 

I don’t even know how I’m able to stomach typing this email. I’m so nauseated and upset with you that it hurts. The worst thing is, it’s not even YOU I’m upset with. Maybe that would make this easier. I hope you’re happy with Cal. Looks like things are working out for you two; looks like you hardly needed me at all.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: I don’t know.

DATE: Jan 18 at 6:58am

 

Today’s my birthday. I thought I was being so obvious; 118. It’s in my email. Part of me hopes you’ve figured it out. Please figure it out. Please.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Simon please

DATE: Jan 20 at 7:21pm

 

Have you moved on from me? Is this over? Is that why you aren’t texting me?

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Please… 

DATE: Jan 21 at 11:48pm

 

I can’t take this anymore. Do you know how many emails I’ve typed out and deleted? How much I want to say to you? Please text me. Hell, I don’t care if you call me. I’m trying to be brave. I can’t lose you. I seriously can’t. Please, Simon. I don’t know what I did to convince you that I wanted this to end, I don’t. I don’t. Please.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: IT’S ME

DATE: Jan 21 at 11:52pm

 

My name is Abraham Louis Greenfeld and I’m in love with you. Please don’t give up on me.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: God, what is wrong with me

DATE: Jan 21 at 11:58pm

 

Why can’t I send any of these emails?! Why am I still petrified to admit who I am? I want you to know who I am so bad I can hardly breathe. So WHY CAN’T I MAKE MYSELF PRESS SEND.

  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Goodbye

DATE: Jan 23 at 8:23am

 

Dear Simon,

I guess this is—

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: Us

DATE: Jan 25 at 7:59pm

 

Please dear god still be at the carnival. Please GOD tell me I didn’t fuck this up again.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: Really?

DATE: Jan 26 at 3:07am

 

Dear Simon,

I’m so glad it was you.

Yours, Bram

(A.K.A. your boyfriend, in case you’ve forgotten. A.K.A Blue)

**Author's Note:**

> seriously someone give bram a hug i love him.
> 
> you can find me [here](https://tonytangredis.tumblr.com/).
> 
> comment, kudos, bookmark below!


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